淵穆光華

這就是為什麼我要回來。回來，或者遠離。曾經我以為文字是一切，但後來發現那些沒寫下的，也都好了。青春期的躁動已遠去，我變得需要深思熟慮。但那透明的，那過度感性、蓄意詩意而飛昇的視野，卻是閃閃發光的。

還有沒有下次？我忽然理解那些人為什麼對我說再也不見。條件不夠好是一，儘管經驗愉快，更大是怕自己和對方淪陷。感覺良好，有一就有二，但跟不同人好像可以分散風險，少了情感延積的機會，比較可以解脫。但原來人是可以輕易拋棄的，就像我走下樓梯頭也不回，那個只有一眼之緣的胖大叔自動將帳號隱沒，前兩小時的窩心密談仿若不存在。我可以封鎖那個繼續向我索求的，然後和未達陣地熱烈談天，就像前幾個月的誰誰誰。以保護現實自我之名，行互相輕賤之勾當，最後誰也快樂不起來。那是劫，寂寞所引發而來的，陷入其中只有更困惑，沒有解藥。

欸，我該如何總結大學三年？

站在那裡面對浪一般的熱情扒光我得以隱形的屏障，沒有感傷，只是那麼多的愛我好像害怕全心承受。階段性的完成總是讓人舒坦，不捨留給以後，雖然我還是想哭，最後一刻在台上的時候；但我忍下來了。演後無事的一整天除了檢討，我想著他寫給我的那張A4，「感謝陪伴、思念及一切」。思念，他知道，他有看透我的自信，我卻沒有快樂起來的信心。「好好說出角色想說的話」有那麼幾些瞬間我感受她整個生命無法脫逃的沉重，那超出我所能負荷，我只能盡力接近，同時絕望，對於所有困境相仿，對於所有在結構中掙扎的女人。沒有更早好好分析劇本體會角色實在太錯了！

緊接著又要排戲，實在是太幸福的事。還有寫作，童偉格說真正的寫作是不被自己想被聆聽的靈魂誘惑，是暗房外的重寫，很明亮的起點，我要加油。

我們無話可說，這不是誰的責任。你問好吃嗎？我說不錯啊就埋頭吃麵，不敢看，你就理所當然轉開電視了，不然該怎麼辦。你上樓，問我在聽什麼音樂，屁股跟著搖擺兩下又回頭去看電視了，因為我沒有把心思放在你身上，我始終有更重要的事值得注意。你開車接送，你下廚，看起來就像在服侍我，我努力要它看起來不像，卻總是失敗，因為我們無話可說。

參加一趟活動回來你唸著可惜沒抽中液晶電視，那時我的電影剛播完，一邊感動想哭一邊納悶家裡電視不是好端端的，幹麻又想要一台？可是我沒問出來，擦乾眼淚電視機閃出的是無聊透頂的老舊電影，你沒有轉台，呆望著電視的模樣比電視更無聊。我上樓，你很快就進房間呼呼大睡了，而我忘了說晚安，忘了說我愛你。

To Boddah 

　　Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand. 

　　All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things. 

　　For example when we’re backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn’t affect me the way in which it did for Freddy Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can’t fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I’m having 100% fun. 

　　Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I do, but it’s not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. 

　　On our last 3 tours, I’ve had a much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know! 

　　I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become. 

　　I have it good, very good, and I’m grateful, but since the age of seven, I’ve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along and have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess. 

　　Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody, baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away. 


Peace, Love, Empathy. 

Kurt Cobain 

Frances and Courtney, I’ll be at your altar. 
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances. 
For her life, which will be so much happier without me. 

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU! 








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看得熱淚盈眶
儲放在這裡方便隨時回顧

真的很討厭別人自殺啊又偏偏深愛這些自我毀滅的混蛋，Fuck!